It’s been a great few days

I’m ecstatic that I pulled one of my faves the answer Allen iverson in nba 2k14 myteam. I’m only slightly worried that Steph hasn’t hit me up since Saturday night when I didn’t wanna see her. I guess she needs people without tony. But, I think I’m ok right now. & I’m pretty sure denisse is flirting with me. Everything that’s she’s been doin, in startin to think…maybe she actually does like me…even though she rejected me. It all started when mike was messing with me & well he said “why does it look like your breakdancing?” I said I don’t break dance & Denise asks “you breakdance?” I said no. Then she almost whispers “oh if you did I would have asked you to prom.” I said “what?” But she didn’t answer. At first, maybe I thought she meant as entertainment, but as my sis pointed out..she probably meant as a date. I kind of got myself into some trouble with her, I basically said someone said “she acts like a dog” I was just messing around but mine said she might of took it a little serious. So, to make up for it I bought her an Easter bunny. I dunno if I’m getting deeper into this friendzone. But, the oddest thing happened when I have her the bunny. She took my hand & twice put it to her forehead. I felt wow..anyways, the last thing that was so weird was I was about to leave, & there was no one else around. She was sitting in a chair & I was just talking to her. But, she then constantly lightly kicked my leg. She then asked if I liked her shoes. I actually touched her knee when she did this. She gave me a high 5 when she left, but I feel as a hug will come soon.

I have a lot on my mind

I don’t even know where to start. It’s nice to be going back to college. I feel more accomplished again. I’m so happy with myteam in nba 2k14 finally got lebron. Pulled Hakeem Olajuwon & magic also. Just need iverson & jordan & I’d be happy. In life, it’s been ok. I was super jealous that Steph is talking to some guy, hung out with an ex, & kissed some random guy. I didn’t want to go to Atlantic city with them. The plot twist is they didn’t go cause people cancelled. Steph calls me later on using her stupid British accent & she sounds drunk or bored. She tells me she’s in bed with sak(at this point I really don’t care) telling me all this stuff. Later on she calls me again, but the pacquiao fight is on. She’s telling me she’s outside, but I’m telling her just wait like 10 minutes or I’ll open the door & you’ll just be there. She eventually just hung up on me & said “I’m done with you” wonder if she’s mad….or naaah. Back to denisse, she randomly heard me saying I don’t break dance. She kinda whispered saying “if you knew how to break dance I’d ask you to prom” I said what? & she really didn’t say anything & it wasn’t brought up again. Mike had been trolling me at the job..the worst was calling me “mr. Friendzone” so I went over to denisse & asked her to help me take mike down. I kind of messed up by saying mike said “she’s like a dog.” & she may have kind of got a little upset. & I was worried I had to apologize, but by the end of the night she was joking around. But, I did make that offer…so now ima buy her a caramel chocolate bunny….(this probably puts me worse into the friendzone.) But, at least i can make it up to her.

I really do have anger issues

I tried being like my cousin, & destroying “the streak” with Brock lesnar. I did 3 F-5s & still lost. I was sooooooooo mad because this all happened while Stephanie was talking to me. She told me she went out drinking with an ex on Tuesday night/morning. & today she told me she’s talking to a security guard…& made out with another security guard. Unfuckingbeliveable this is some bullshit.(just writing this has me so upset. I don’t understand how she just made out with someone. She said she cornered the guy & made out. I’m mad cause how come I don’t get these opportunities? I guess I’m not over Steph yet. I thought I was. I haven’t been this jealous in months. I guess with denisse’s rejection this it what happens. I mean I am over sak now…though I hate her so much. I don’t know what to do. I was so angry while she was telling me this. When angry, I don’t know how to handle my rage. I felt energized. I felt super strong. I don’t know how to deal with this. I watched how I met your mother 2x. The episode where barney kept breaking tvs. I felt like that. I was told maybe I need to tell Steph I still like her. But, I won’t. Since, I have no storyline at the moment, I’m going to, I guess like denisse again. Well, the goal with her, I wanna be best friends with her. She seems cool, & I want her in my life in some capacity. I thought I was over Steph, but I had a feeling that if I had failed with denisse, this is what would happen. Denisse is almost a coping mechanism at this point. She so cute though. I guess focus on being best friends with denisse, & wait for an oppurtunity/ someone to come. Smh the Stephanie stuff…it still be stinging.

Shocker of the day..undertaker 21-1

I missed a lot over the weekend cause of work. Daniel Bryan winning, lesnar shocks the world, the wildcats win again in the clutch. But, I’m kind of worried about my future at my job. I like my movie theatre job, the people, make it fun. I can say I enjoy it, though there are moments where I don’t like it. A problem I’m having is, the mass exodus that has happened since I started in November. 8 people have left. & more is to come. I liked working here, since the people are cool. & there’s 3 people there that I would hate to lose….more like 2. My best friend at the job, mike, is ready to leave, that’s one of the few people, I really don’t want to see leave. & denisse, if she leaves…then I dunno. If these 2 leave I’d consider looking for another part time job most likely, or I’d see what people come in. Though, denisse rejected me, I still have a crush on her. At times she does seem mean, real mean, on sakeenah’s level of mean. & though she acts like a kid, I like her. Her personality, is clearly like Stephanie. & what I did yesterday, probably will put cement myself in the friendzone, & I will once again maybe make an attempt to escape. The last 2 days, working with her she was iggying me for awhile before interacting with me. Yesterday, she told me she was “not in the mood.” I feared the worse since I dunno if it’d be smart to just work with her. But, it was ok working with her. I texted her to see if she was good. By texting her & asking about her, showing I cared…I have no shot now. I guess once again I’m looking at a best friend. But, she is really cute. For now, maybe I’d be ok with it. But, I’m kinda bothered that the girls I’ve liked are all similar.

"Taking advantage of a team that looks lost"

I play too much nba 2k. hulkofpersonality is right, there are a lot of lines that are quotable. Lines that you can apply to everyday life. I hear this line when I’m usually getting blown out. Anytime there is a blowout underway, I try to chip at the lead to make a comeback. Sometimes I lose horribly, sometimes I make the game, & sometimes I make a comeback win. I am lost right now. Stephanie, my bestie is off to Elizabeth. I’ll still talk to her, but seeing her, might be more difficult. I need her, but not enough to like her again. So far, the hurt I have the most is the rejection from denisse. I’m so sad I’m probably gonna watch frozen..& play arkham origins. I’m so sad. I thought this was a girl that liked me back. But, the way she rejected me, it, it hurts. It wasn’t mean or anything, but still. It’s a top 3 rejection. Sak’s was the worst. Steph was bad, but I’m glad we’re still close. Deniesse, damn I just wished I would have been with her. Of the girls, I went after I’m 0-3. It’s starting to bother me, more than anything else in life.

The rejection

After everything that’s happened to me the last 2 days. The lies I’ve told, the yelling I’ve endured. Nothing has hurt me more than my rejection from deniesse. It hurt so bad. She did it in a sweet, kind way. But, it hurt so badly. I thought she liked me, I thought she did, we were cool, I like being around her a lot. Yet, I failed. & I can’t believe it’s anyone’s fault, but mine. I was with her Wednesday, & I seemed to be doing good with her. My dude tells me just ask her out, he winged man me. & I asked her. I’ve been replaying it over & over in my head. She blinked her eyes a couple of times, shrugged & said no. She doesn’t really text people at the job & wants to keep it professional. “Thanks for the offer though. I was disappointed. It hurt. I walked past her & apologized if I made it awkward for her. I hope to still be friends with her. But, this failure hurts again. It’s tough. I thought I thought I had her. It didn’t work. I didn’t see a long term with deniesse, but I saw a short term. & the fact that I’m lost 4 straight, it hurts. It hurts badly. & I want to desperately want someone to like me. What I’ve learned is, everything in life happens for a reason. But, I’m having a hard time accepting this loss. It takes me a while to get over liking someone. I’ll admit I lied to my parents & got yelled at heavily. But, that pain is nothing compared to being rejected. It hurts so bad.

I think I’m finally ready to make a move.

All that has happened in my life has lead to this. I think I’m finally ready to be more mature. I failed so horribly with sak. I have Steph as a best friend now, & I love that, but I also failed with her. I have a good deal of cash in my bank account right now. I think I’m almost ready to look for a career. Though I can’t lie, criminal justice is cool, but there’s that part of me that doesn’t think this is my calling. Also, I worry that I am getting really close to being “friendzoned” by deniesse. She sometimes says we should be “best friends” or other stuff like that. She went to another level yesterday when she said I could be like “an older brother” I don’t want that. I think I’m getting to that point where my life is seeming more clear. I’m nearly ready to make a move on Denisse & I think that everything will fall into place. But, I will say, it has been interesting how my life has turned out this far. It has been really unpredictable.

The Friendzone

Sometime I’ve become an expert in. It is true, the decisions you make is what causes you to end up in this abyss. If you really care about a person though, the. Maybe there are exceptions. Here is a way I describe the friendzone: imagine you are an elite nfl wide receiver(megatron, Fitzgerald, AJ green) & you get matched up against an elite corner (revis, Sherman) usually you are taken out of the game. No one knows your on the field, & if they do people will ask why you weren’t productive) once in the friendzone, it takes a lot of skill, patience, & a lil luck to score. It’s windows, there are windows while in a friendzone that you have that can change the course. But, you need to time it right. The One friendzone I’m in, was. Caused by me. It all started because in high school I liked her. It turned bad, & when we were cool again, I acted like a friend, to make sure I never like her again, I did. Later on in life, with Stephanie, I liked the other girl, but Stephanie would help, but I always failed, always. The Stephanie friendzone is just something I completely did. I never thought I would like her, & by the time I realized what had happened, I was staring at a daunting task. I failed here. Being so close to Stephanie, it helped but it also hurt. I never grew so close to a girl before. & I started to realize that Stephanie was the one for me. I realistically could see me with her for the long run. But, that did not happen. I failed again, in a bad way. I failed so bad that she basically cut me off. & then our friendship wasn’t as close. It was only after I told her I liked denisse she came back & we’ve been as close as we were months earlier. Being with her today, with the other girl, I realize I am in the friendzone with Stephanie, badly. & she will troll me. Comments such as her saying she’s never go out with a short guy. & tne she said I’m probably saying “damnit man” (I wasn’t I was focused on denisse) the fact is she now uses the fact that I used to like her, but she sometimes mentions it in the present tense. I think Steph knows…I still like her right now. But, other than tony loving me, it looks like I’m not close at all to getting with Steph. The other girl, I’m not interested in, but also looks like I have no chance. Which leaves denisse as the girl left. I may have had a chance, but with what happened Wednesday, & my failure. I see that to be real, it’s probably a toss-up, or less maybe 99%-1% chance I end up in the friendzone than me getting with her. It’s frustration that I’m a nice person, & I treat everyone with respect, to the most part. The only “friendzone” I’m kind of ok with is Stephanie. I like that she’s in my life. I still care for her like no one else. But, these zones I could have gotten out of, if I didn’t have this insanely high fear of failure. It’s happening again. I do everything to impress a girl for days, weeks, months. When it is time to close, I sink. I get so nervous. I overthink. I get caught up trying not to fail. I know it’s bad when everyone from Steph & the girl, to coworkers, to friends, are just telling me to just ask either via text or in person. I’m not starting to think, the risk is too high. I don’t want her guy best friend to get upset. At this moment, I am down, & there’s a part of me that thinks maybe I should just give up. This fear of failure, rejection, all this, I dunno how to stop it. I always expect the worse from people. It might all go back from for wing up. When I was younger, I always feared making my dad mad. I would make sure I did everything possible to not mess up. Going in to middle school, I had clinically bad acne. Acne that was so bad, the jokes were brutal. I never said anything. I just listened to the jokes, & birdied my feelings. I buried all my feelings. It was tough growing up not really having friends, just constant teasing, no one ever saying they cared or loved you. I had a crush on this girl in middle s Katherine. It was so embarrassingly bad, that for years, I would never want to tell a girl I like her. I deal with constant teasing, the girl I would like would also have to endure these cruel taunts. I didn’t want that. In high school, things got drastically better, I learned to embrace the taunts. & my acne was not as bad, & in current day I rarely have acne or even a pimple. I’m glad it happened when I was younger. Even though I learned to accept myself, I still had difficulty finding a girl. My sophomore year sak was a girl I had a crush on. She approached me randomly to talk, & I was shocked cause no girl had ever done that. However, when she found out I liked her, she became evil & mean. She showed that she didn’t like me. During senior year, sak was back in my life, but I knew that if I liked her again, she’d just get mad. That’s why, I just treated her like a friend. I thought t myself, I don’t like any of my guy friends, maybe that’s the way to not like her. It didn’t work. But, that’s what happened to me I embarrass people, if I tell a girl I like her, she’ll get ridiculed. If I just try to be her friend, I get friendzoned. That’s why I thought this time would be different. I never met denisse & I made an effort to not be a friend. We tease & flirt. But, other than her texting me “byeeee” that’s my only glimmer of hope that she might like me. I felt as if Wednesday night was so bad, that it’ll be hard to recover from. If deniese does realize I like her, she’ll either get mad or I’ll be in the friendzone. I wish I knew a way to know if she likes me, but I don’t. With losing the bet, I think it’s more than likely, it’s over.

I dunno how much longer I can do this

Being myself, I draw a lot of attention to myself. A lot. People mess with me a lot. Everyone. & when you combine that with work, it gets to a point. Being with Stephanie & Sakeenah again, it’s not what I want. I want Stephanie still. I want to get her attention. At both my jobs, I get messed with a lot. I learned at a young age, I real young age how to deal with it. When I was younger, I was ugly. Really ugly. Acne ruined my middle school years. It ruined my confidence cause I was always afraid that people would judge me. This is probably a reason why I acne so much. & when I was younger I was bullied, badly. People had all these jokes. It was tough. I felt like no one cared at all. There were times where I wanted to kill myself, it was that bad. But, high school came, & it got a lil better. But, I still hated myelf. The self hate is still there to this day, but I can manage it enough. At high school, I just leaned to be stupid. That helped me gain popularity. I learned to laugh at myself. It helped me gain popularity. Now, to this day I can make people laugh & feel good about themselves. But, people mess with me,.all people. Babies, kids, adults, teenagers, cousins, people my age, managers, supervisors, bosses. Everyone. I can take most jokes in stride. But, I don’t retaliate. & usually, I don’t crack back. But, it drains you a mentally. When you have a bunch of people cracking on you, eventually you don’t ignore it. By not saying anything, I really feel it at the end of the day. I feel drained, & people always tell me they love me. But, sometimes I wonder how much truth there is. It’s getting bad for myself, I try to ignore it, but, I’m not happy. You know being a 23 year old, virgin never with a kiss or a girlfriend. That’s a problem. That’s not normal. & I’ve seen ugly people get girls. It is all on me, & at this point I may never close. I may be in the “land of the friendzone” forever. I feel like an abnormality. But, it’s just man, all the rejection I had in middle school. I don’t think I ever properly dealt with it. People tell me all the time to just ask denisse or any girl I’m talking to out.its not that simple in my mind. I always think the worst. I can imagine a girl just laughing at me, or being mean, or slapping me, or other violent actions. I dunno why I fear failure so much, but I do.

I want out

Hopefully there’s still hope with the denisse situation. You know, I never realized how bad the situation is until now. What’s worst than being in the
“Friendzone”? Being in the friendzone with “2” girls at the exact same time. That’s what I am in right now. I saw Sakeenah for the first time in years. & I do not like her. I’m annoyed by her. I just want to ignore her. I’m mad at everything she did. & Steph I still like & I have a Crush on her. I spent most my night talking to tony. I love tony, he’s awesome, but Steph rarely talked to me today. Also, in my job my friend is threatening to tell the ugly chick I like her. I need to get with denisse, now more than ever. & what got me mad was Steph is flirting with a short Filipno guy…yeah, that hurt. The denisse thing could be doomed cause her guy best friend had been grilling me lately. & when Sakeenah gets near me, just no. I feel like eminem right now. I’m just so upset right now. & I saw Stephanie does be trolling me the fact that I used to like her. I see today, & it feels like a situation I can not be a part of again. I love Stephanie, & I want her as a friend only…not with Sakeenah. Tomorrow I find out if my job has screwed me. If denisse doesn’t like me like that (& I’d be lying if I said at this moment, I think there’s a good chance it’s over.) damn, this sucks, mostly everyone I know is preoccupied in life for this. I hope the dynamic between me & Steph doesn’t change. All I know is that this “big 3” setup worked before before completely falling apart. This one won’t work.